Department of Mother Fu*kers

So I just got back from the DMV. Again. The first time I went to switch from WI to CA plates and to get a CA drivers license. Well I failed the drivers license test the first time because that betch was fu*king hard.

The questions were like, “If a horse and buggy are coming toward you down a one-way street heading in the wrong direction, who has the right of way when you are making a left hand turn onto a divided highway during rush-hour?” Fu*k if I know. I returned to the DMV twice since my first visit, both of those times the DMV was randomly closed during the week. And no, it wasn't Cesar Chavez day or Chinese New Year, or some random, obscure holiday.

In WI, Driver's Ed was normal – here it's like a bunch of assholes made it up just to screw with people. Anyway, I passed this time and the test grader even said, “Damn, you kicked this thing's butt!” While I was taking the test, the woman next to me (old African-American woman, hunched over, wearing a winter cap even though it's in the mid 70s) started moaning and groaning in angst. I am sure she was probably thinking the same as me, “This shit is fu*ked up!” But I tired to keep my inner pain to myself.

Then as my test was being graded I could see the picture area right next to me. A middle aged, heavyset, African-American woman, also wearing a hat, went to get her picture taken. When the “photographer” (I use that term very loosely) told her she had to remove her cap for her ID picture she screamed, “Aww nah!” and pulled her hat tightly to her head, as if someone had been reaching for it, trying to remove it.

“I'll come back another day!” “Mam, just remove your hat so I can snap a picture, and then we will be done.” The heavyset woman thought about it for a moment then yelled again, “Aw nah!” while pulling her hat even tighter to her skull from the invisible hat stealer. The problem? She wasn't wearing her weave. Or wig, or whatever the hell she uses which she thinks makes her look like Tyra Banks. The photographer then offered a suggestion, “A woman just left wearing a weave. You could go find her and ask...” The heavyset woman quickly scanned the DMV, which now looked like Grand Central Station during rush-hour, but the weave was gone.

Reluctantly, the heavyset woman stood in front of the blue backdrop and started to remove her hat for the picture. This got me real excited to see what the damn thing looked like after all. I started to feast my eyes upon an inch long afro, when she quickly retreated and put her hat back on, screamed, “I don't think so!” and stormed off.

I cut the line and told them I was just there to take my test and that someone told me to go right up front, which was a total lie. The line was wrapped around the building and I heard someone bitching that they had been waiting for 4 hours and that “this place is like fu*king Disney Land.”

I hope the heavyset woman comes back looking real pretty in her weave tomorrow, because she is going to be there all day. Again.