"Lies That Chelsea Handler Told Me"

Chelsea Handler is set to release her fourth book, "Lies That Chelsea Handler Told Me," on May 10th, 2011! Rejoice!

But here is the twist... the book is not written by Chelsea, but rather by her "family, friends and other victims." Hahaha can't wait!

Happy New Year, Assholes.

Thank you so much for visiting my little bleg! I enjoy writing it so much and am so happy you (hopefully) enjoy reading it.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

(Note: I am reposting the below post from last year's NYE because it's just so fun)

New Year, Not New You

Today 11:02 AM PST by Chelsea Handler

Whatever you are doing tonight, I hope you're proud of yourselves. I hope you're drinking lots of Belvedere and trying to make out with strangers. Hopefully none of you are wearing those stupid top hats or blowing those annoying noisemaker things. Try to control yourselves.

I am at an undisclosed location, and am considering telling the people sitting next to me to stop making their New Year's resolutions. If you make resolutions, you're just setting yourself up to fail. I haven't seen one person do something they resolved to accomplish on New Year's, except get really drunk.

2010 is not going to be that much different than 2009. If you're in the middle of getting a tattoo that suggests otherwise, stop now. You look like an asshole.

I, for one, think it's best to just assume you won't accomplish anything next year. Then if you do manage to climb a waterfall or sign up for a pottery class, everybody will be incredibly surprised, including you.

OMFG! Chelsea Handler to Release 2 New Books Next Year!

AHHH!!! My favorite author, Chelsea Handler, recently signed a hot $4 million contract to publish not one, but TWO new books next year! We love that!

Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang - Review

Over the last two years, Chelsea Handler has secured her spot among my favorite women in the world. Rounding out the top 9 include my mom, Britney Spears, Kathy Griffin, Sarah Silverman, Valerie Charish (played by Lisa Kudrow), Jerri Blank (played by Amy Sedaris), Deputy Trudy Wiegel (played by Kerri Kenny-Silver), and my two cats, Frostie and Sassy Pants. Three of the women on that list are not real and two are not human, but that's besides the point. The point is... what was the point again?

I found out about this book a few months ago when I was front row at a taping of 'Chelsea Lately,' in which she signed "To my gay, Matthew!" in the front of my book and told me about her upcoming release. I almost shit in my pants I got so excited, which Chelsea seemed to really enjoy.

My only complaint about 'Chelsea Chelsea, Bang Bang' is that it seems a little too short. It's not that much shorter than her last book, 'Are You There Vodka, It's Me, Chelsea,' but I believe it could have used a few more chapters.

I read this book in only one week (while laying out at the pool after getting brutalized by my trainer at the gym), which for me, was a pretty fast read. I have the same reading level as a special needs student in second grade, so I was pretty surprised by how fast I blew through this baby. It was pretty hard to put down, though.

The book, as are all three of her books, is compromised of short, hilarious but true stories from her life. Chapter 1, "The Feeling," was about how she discovered masturbation in third grade and insensately rubs her kitten for a year straight, which is something I can really relate too. The chapter "Water Olympics" was hysterical as was the chapter "Black on Black Crime." I don't want to give away too much, but it was very funny and I often was LOLing at the pool, which I'm sure caused everyone around me to think I was retarded.

**** out of *****

A must read, says Matthew Robert!

I will end this review with my favorite quote from the book, which coincidentally is from the last chapter...

"Can you believe how stupid everyone is?"

Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang!

Tomorrow! Chelsea's new book comes out tomorrow! I pre-ordered it online and should be receiving it tomorrow. I have never been so excited for a book to come out. EHHAHAHAHAHHAHASHSHSPPAHHSSHSHSHKJHKHZ!

In middle school, I would buy the new Fear Street book by R.L. Stine every month on it's release date, but those books dropped once a month and were by no means filled with sexual exploits, drunken comedic tails and stories of real assholes. Can't wait! Review to follow...

UPDATE:

I just read the first chapter of Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang and omg - hysterical. I was LOLing in my hot tub. First chapter, "The Feeling," was all about how she discovered petting her kitten in 3rd grade and did it non stop for 1 year. I can relate. A full review to follow after I finish the entire book.

BUY IT NOW ON HARDCOVER. Don't wait for Paperback, it's for poor people.

Twinsies?

I love, love, love, love, love Chelsea Handler (side note: she called me "her gay" at a taping of her show). I don't really care for Kate Gosselin, but props for dealing with that d-bag John and 8 little shit machines.

With Kate's new rats nest she actually kind of looks like Chelsea.... ya think?! Funny how a decent hair cut (or plugs in this case) can transform a masculine looking lesbian into a hot piece.

image via splash