How Depressing

Hey socialites: check out this uber depressing e-mail I just received from one of my "friends." We don't really see each other that much anymore because he apparently has a lot going for him (see below) and quite frankly, that's ok with me.

"hi matt, hope uve been good.
i recently lost the will to do anything, kinda got stuck in a routine seeing (my boyfriend) and going home after work, cooking, playing the piano and going to bed. dunno... its hard to break that routine for me now."

If I ever say something like this, I give you all permission to take turns killing me. Thank you.

There She Is

My super hot, muscle daddy-friend, Dave, went all-out to a recent trip to the roller rink. WHAT A DELIGHT!

I do wanna see that.

Classy. Real Classy.

Which one of my "friends" has TWO bottles of free Manhunt "Manlube" on his bedroom dresser? If you know me, this should be VERY obvious, but take a wild guess.

I Have Great Friends

I have great friends who send me texts like this at 1:30 am on a Sunday night:

"I just sucked my strippers dick on the floor and fingered his ass and his bf came over and ended it abruptly!"

What Friends Are For

In my shitter, I keep a workout calendar where I keep track of what I do at the gym each day, and as you can see on December 15th, write "FAT" if I have a fatty-eating day.

My dear old lady-friend, Brandon Rolph, takes it upon himself to graffiti my calendar with filth each and every time he comes over to mail a package. Today he wrote:

"Sometimes the snow comes down in June. Then sometimes June Cleaver comes & wacks off your peepee with a hatchet. #transdreaming"

Tis the season!

Text From Last Night

"Well I have been drinking all day! Just got my a** licked while I came on his chest. And now I'm going back to the bar! Sunday funday!"

-Anonymous friend

Oh how I love my friends :)