How Depressing

Hey socialites: check out this uber depressing e-mail I just received from one of my "friends." We don't really see each other that much anymore because he apparently has a lot going for him (see below) and quite frankly, that's ok with me.

"hi matt, hope uve been good.
i recently lost the will to do anything, kinda got stuck in a routine seeing (my boyfriend) and going home after work, cooking, playing the piano and going to bed. dunno... its hard to break that routine for me now."

If I ever say something like this, I give you all permission to take turns killing me. Thank you.

"Yes I am clean, please eat me!"

Don't fall for it. I've heard that line a hundred times and it's not always true. Trust me on this one, guys.

I DO wanna see that!

OMFG! Phone Call of a LIFETIME!

I just received a phone call from one of my best friends that went EXACTLY like this:

Me:

"Hello?"

Bff:

"Matthew... #1, I can't find my Extenze. #2, I have a Grindr trick coming over and #3, I just farted and shit my pants."

I have never and will never receive such an amazing phone call in my life. God bless.

Real-Life "SAW" Meets Hairy Ass

Omfg. Last night at Mickeys was Hot Rod night, which is a night for leather and bondage freaks to come out to play - so naturally, we went.

Check out these assholes, below. The one guy in the ass-less chaps attached clothespins ALL over the masked guy's body. And I mean EVERYWHERE. His nipples, his side fat, his chode - everywhere.

It was like watching a real-life SAW film, but with hairy ass.

Once in a Lifetime Chat Roulette Experience!

If you haven't gone to chatroulette.com yet, don't. It is a website that connects you via web cam to another random stranger somewhere in the world. This stranger will likely, based on my 2 experiences on the site, be a group of tween girls or boys making fun of you or a guy whacking off - both of which I would like to skip.

Paris Hilton, Perez and Ashton Kutcher have made appearances on there, so now everyone is going on in hopes of randomly being connected a celeb, but the only thing you're going to be connected with is an asshole. Literally.

Thankfully my good gal pal Dan went on chatroulette after bar close tonight with his equally drunk yet capable friend Andrew. They found an obese man "pleasuring" himself with what they thought was a glass dildo. A moment after they were connected the glass dildo broke. That is when they realized it was a glass BOTTEL.

Really? What did he think was going to happen?! Blood started gushing and glass shards starting falling out. BELCH!

I am sure Dan, like she always is, was blacked out, but her friend Andrew took a snapshot of this beautiful scene. This whole incident probably took 10 seconds. The look on Dan's face (in the hat) is PRICELESS!

Happy camming! And please, don't put weird things inside of you, you'll only end up in the ER and embarrassing yourself to death. Goodnight!

To see the uncensored pic, CLICK HERE. Warning: Extremely graphic and NSFW, but it's really funny.

Update: I decided to repost this post 7 months later due to the fact that it is the #1 most popular post here on Social Intercourse. You're welcome.

There She Is

My super hot, muscle daddy-friend, Dave, went all-out to a recent trip to the roller rink. WHAT A DELIGHT!

I do wanna see that.

Great New Years Resolution List Found at Gym

Thanks Josh for finding this diamond in the rough!

S.A.T

A video I tried to watch on YouTube was no longer available, to which they were "sorry about that." A clASSic saying my friends and I abuse way too much. Sorry about that. S.A.T.

Great Idea

At approximately 3 a.m., I thought it would be a great idea to take this discarded Christmas tree off of the curb, and give it a new home on my friend's front porch. I am *such* a good friend.

Squirt -- In Your Mouth

Classy. Real classy.

Introducing Griffy -- aka Shakespeare

UPDATE: This was a quote from 'Sex And The City,' but regardless, I still live for it!

My good gal pal Griffy Facebooked me today the greatest piece of literature I HAVE EVER READ. Seriously, brilliant and I couldn't agree more with what he had to say.

Ladies and ladies, I give you Griffin Marc.

"whats with the weekends these days? I swear to god every guy I fuck since memorial day wants to know what I am doing this weekend, they just dont get it. my weekends are for meeting new guys, so i dont have to keep fucking the old ones."

Congratulations Griffy, you are now my favorite person ever! Continue to speak the truth, girl.

Friend Craps His Pants at The Bar

I secretly recorded a video of Teddy explaining how our friend crapped in his pants at the bar. It happens to the best of us!

p.s. the sound of me laughing at the end is great. It sounds like I'm dying!

Trick or Treat

Below is a picture I took this weekend of a costume for sale at Aahhs on Sunset. What is the costume, you may ask? Well I have no phucking idea. It says, "Clown Stripe Shirt," but looks more like a pedophile costume to me. I don't wanna see that!

At the same store, I also saw what looked to be a zombie orgy for sale. This is totally awesome because as most of you know, I LOVE zombies and orgies, so put the two put the two of them together and I am in a good place.

"Hey I May Be Dumb But At Least I'm Not Blonde!"

I saw this guy at my girlfriend Kerri's wedding earlier this month in Wisconsin, and was really impressed by his undershirt. This guy is crazy. Literally, bat-shit crazy. He made and is selling this t-shirt picture his ex-girlfriend. Wow. lol

"She has $13 in her pocket!"

While I was simply trying to eat some pizza like a good, Christian woman, Danimal was drunk off his asshole repeatedly telling a homeless man that Teddy has $13 in her pocket.

My Mom Eats Midgets

I was very shocked and concerned to learn that there are apparently pickles called "sweet midgets." Even more alarming is that my own mother eats midgets.

A Voicemail Between Friends

From Matt to Shane, with love.

Melrose Alley

Melrose Alley -- the most trendy place for homeless people to defecate.

What The Fat?!

I recently attended a taping of a very popular daytime talk show that films here in L.A. with my bff Aaron. While we waiting almost 4 hours to be seated, we realized that we were the only young men in attendance and the only people who were not morbidly obese.

I took the liberty of showcasing all of the morbid obese housewives here for your information. Interesting demographic!

DO NOT USE

Oops. While purchasing some workout supplements today post-training session, I noticed the "DO NOT USE" sign above an electrical outlet that was clearly in use.