A Makeup Drawer Full of Hemorrhoid Cream

Anonymous Friend:

"Growing up as a little boy in Wisconsin, I never thought I would someday have a makeup drawer full of hemorrhoid cream."

Me:

"You certainty must have never thought you would have a makeup drawer PERIOD!"

Quote 'O The Day

"If you say you have a nine inch dick but it curves Down and it's ugly and you can't stick it inside anything cause of the odd shape, then it doesn't count."

Thanks Austin Cunningham, you're magical!

WORDS.TO.LIVE.BY.

"Because I'm what? Sickening!"

-Shangela, RuPaul's Drag Race S3

WORDS.TO.LIVE.BY.

‎"I don't even like to have sex naked."

-Delta Work, RuPauls Drag Race S.3

Bottoms

"Bottoms are a dime a dozen."

-Justin

I Have Great Friends

I have great friends who send me texts like this at 1:30 am on a Sunday night:

"I just sucked my strippers dick on the floor and fingered his ass and his bf came over and ended it abruptly!"

OMG Quote of The Day

well i did NOT get laid last night

bc the bitch fell asleep

and then he was like, "lets do lunch tomorrow....." and i thought to myself, "no, i dont want lunch, i want to eat your ass!"

so i said "no."

what a bitch

i shaved and douched for nothing

LOL sorry for it, anonymous friend!

Meanwhile at a Pool Party in The Hills...

An anonymous friend texts me,

"I wanna die! The guy AND his boyfriend were at the pool party AND he had no shame. He came up and chatted with me like I hadn't put my penis up his butt 12 hrs before while his bf was in a room below us."

Meanwhile on a Train in Chicago...

My Chicago bff Jo-Toxic said,

"I'm on the train home with food. A black man says, "can I get a French fry?" I say, "of course." He said, "No that's ok. I was just seeing if you were a piece of white trash racist." WOW. I held my breath."

OMG Quote of The Day

Chatting with a co-worker about dildos today --

Co-worker, "I have a 6 inch dildo, but I really want to work my way up to a 10 incher."

Me, "(insert sound of me spitting up my drink)."

Quote

Annomyous at 3:40 pm,

"Someone give me a bump! I need either a bump or a KFC Double Down."

Quote

"I'm saving myself for someone really special, but in-between I'm screwing a lot of guys who aren't that special."

- Jerri Blank, 'Strangers With Candy'

Fiber Crap Bars

Anonymous Friend:

"I had a Fiber One Bar the other night and could not leave the house the next day."

LOL

Quote

"An intense workout WITHOUT my trainer is like being a cutter -- It's self-inflicted pain, but I feel better about myself after."

- Me

"I’VE SEEN THINGS THAT WOULD MAKE YOU CRAP A BOOK ON HOW TO PUKE."

- Officer Jay, The Sarah Silverman Program

JoToxic

My boy JoToxic and this great bit from tonight:

What kind of pick up line is this?... "Are you Italian? You have the entire Jersey Shore look going on?" My response: "I looked like this since the day I was born, if you wanna sleep with me, just say so." His response, "Ok, your place or mine?" My response: "Fuggetaboutit."

Teddy Graham People

"Teddy Graham People -- When a guy has stumpy arms and the belly."

-Stefon, SNL

Quote

"It will knock the shit out of your ass."

-The Onion Movie

Quote

(in reference to an overbearing bf)

"The only people I want to see on a daily basis are my personal trainer and my bartender."

-Me

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thesulk - An expressionless man in a short-sleeve button down shirt is more often than not named Bill.