I'll Take One To Go

The definition of "Cleveland Steamroller" according to Urban Dictionary.

LAPD Investigates Reported "Dookie"

A woman recently called the police to report a "dookie" in her Los Angeles home. In case you are wondering what a dookie is, it's a piece of shit. Human shit. And I find it marvelous that someone hated this lady so badly that they dropped a dookie in her home and then left. But really, what does she expect the LAPD to do with the damn thing?!

Here are a few of the best lines from the police audio that was captured by WeHo Daily. Click to hear the entire audio.

COP 1- "...she found human poop."

COP 2 - "Are you KIDDING?! She found a DOOKIE? A human dookie?!"

COP 3 - "If there is a dookie there, then take a picture of it and that's it."

And just for fun, here is a kitty with Mr. Hankey The Christmas Poo from South Park.

My Brother Is Posting YouTube Videos About Shitting His Pants

Just what the world does not need: my brother Greg posting YouTube videos telling the very detailed and graphic story of how he shit his drawers, to the visual of his Battlefield 3 gameplay. Unreal. However, it was actually a pretty funny story.

I NEED THIS!

via geekologie

Black Liquid Stool

I was Googling "black liquid dye" to dye a pair of pants (lol), but before I could type in the word "dye," look what results automatically came up: 

OMFG! Phone Call of a LIFETIME!

I just received a phone call from one of my best friends that went EXACTLY like this:

Me:

"Hello?"

Bff:

"Matthew... #1, I can't find my Extenze. #2, I have a Grindr trick coming over and #3, I just farted and shit my pants."

I have never and will never receive such an amazing phone call in my life. God bless.

Shitter Was Full

Deep Thoughts by Matthew

I think it's about time to take my laptop with me to the toilet. #2

Happy Holidays from Ke$ha! Now I Like Ke$ha

Ke$ha wishes us all happy holidays from Moscow and sings "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" while a guy defecates in the background. #Holiday_Cheer #Pee

Kackel Dackel

Some German toy company is selling a toy dog that takes shits. Yeah, I said, "takes shits." You feed the dog with playdough and then it shits it out, and that's fun for German kids.

Shit.

I was just using Google Street View (which is frickin awesome btw) to scout out a building I'm heading to tomorrow for a meeting when I noticed that the camera was covered in bird shit. Awesome.

Shit.

Thanks to Teddy in Minneapolis for sending in this beaut!

...apparently, Teddy spilt his coffee on the toilet, but there still looks to be a few hot loads in the bowl, if you ask me.

"100% human feces."

This has got to be one of the best passive aggressive notes of all time!

"Dear whoever mowed this lawn,

FU*K YOU VERY MUCH. If you're actually responsible for this property, clean up the fu*king hobo shit laying around. The entrance to the cellar smells like 100% human feces. THANKS FOR THAT, ASSHOLES."

Toilet Anacondas - J.C.!

I have seen many toilet anacondas in my time, but none that were literally anacondas such as shown in this terrifying video. J.C.!

Apparently, a Cabbage Patch Kid Took a Dump on my Plate

How To Poop At Work

Fiber Crap Bars

Anonymous Friend:

"I had a Fiber One Bar the other night and could not leave the house the next day."

LOL