Happy New Year, Assholes.

Thank you so much for visiting my little bleg! I enjoy writing it so much and am so happy you (hopefully) enjoy reading it.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

(Note: I am reposting the below post from last year's NYE because it's just so fun)

New Year, Not New You

Today 11:02 AM PST by Chelsea Handler

Whatever you are doing tonight, I hope you're proud of yourselves. I hope you're drinking lots of Belvedere and trying to make out with strangers. Hopefully none of you are wearing those stupid top hats or blowing those annoying noisemaker things. Try to control yourselves.

I am at an undisclosed location, and am considering telling the people sitting next to me to stop making their New Year's resolutions. If you make resolutions, you're just setting yourself up to fail. I haven't seen one person do something they resolved to accomplish on New Year's, except get really drunk.

2010 is not going to be that much different than 2009. If you're in the middle of getting a tattoo that suggests otherwise, stop now. You look like an asshole.

I, for one, think it's best to just assume you won't accomplish anything next year. Then if you do manage to climb a waterfall or sign up for a pottery class, everybody will be incredibly surprised, including you.

Beter Late Than Never - Halloween Tips From Kelly

I'm In Love With a Crack Hoe

I have always been a fan of crack hoes. That being said, it should be no surprise I love Propecia THE Crack Hoe from The Damn Show.

The above video is the real gem, so check it out to get your daily crack hoe fix. The video below is another Propecia clip that's almost as good.

If you still need more crack hoes to get you through your lonely night, check out this classic bit from a few years back. "IT COULD BE A CRACK HEAD THAT GOT HOLD TO THE WRONG STUFF!"

Clean Your Balls

A Ladies Guide to Party Planning

Tune in for several partying planning tips every lady should be aware of!

"Homosexuals should be addressed as Mrs. or Ms., depending on their age. Address cats by their full name, but dogs as Mr. and then their dog name, because cats are girls and dogs are boy."

"If a black person arrives.... just kidding. A black person WON'T arrive!"

Note: I'm reposting this as it's one of the best bits of all tyme. You're welcome.

Get your hair did at "I Beweave Hair Salon!"

HE IS PISSED!

Check out this sweet (actually, it's freakin scary bc this guy must be insane) note posted in my building above the mailboxes. I love that he has anger issues and threatens the perpetrator, even though he clearly has no idea who it is.

If I had to guess, I would say the person who posted this note is Old Man River. Not sure of his real name, but he's this gross MF who always bitches to me about other tenants while I'm out at the pool tanning with my eyes CLOSED or READING - perfect times to strike up a conversation, eh?

French & Saunders Retire in America

Hilarious. A must see.

Introducing-- The Jack Off Weight

I Love Satan

Rock Bottom Wednesday

You have got to be effing kidding me. I regrettably clicked on this link on Facebook and shortly there after vomited all over my new Mac. See the group's "description" below:

"Top Tuesday is a great event that takes place every Tuesday afternoon! It is a time for fellow Gay Tops to hang out, shoot the shit, have some drinks, and just enjoy a fun filled day in the middle of a stressful week!"

They really should have added a "bro" at the end of that to cap it off.

This is the gayest, lamest, and much to their dismay, bottomyest thing I have ever seen. All of the members of this group must be huge nelly bottoms in denial.

Go find yourself a fist to sit on, you bunch of aggots.

PUH-LEASE!

What's next? Rock Bottom Wednesday? Slit-Your-Wrist Sunday? Consensually Rape Me Mondays? Blauurrrggurrph! To make matters even worse, this group originates from my hometown of Appleton, WI.

THERE IS A HUGE TURD IN THE BACKSEAT OF MY CAR!

Classic.

Handsome Men's Club

Most Helpful Review Ever.

Today I was thinking of ordering Papa Johns for my last fat meal before my strict diet and exercise regime kicks in (FML, KMN) and I came across the most helpful review ever on Google Maps.

stop whining people!‎

By oneixl - Sep 11, 2009

i was drunk and really really hungry, i ordered two larges for me and my friends at 11:45pm...they got to me within 30 minutes. the delivery girl was hot and so were the pizzas. all of you people are morons. best pizza of my life.‎

maps.google.com

1 out of 1 people found this review helpful. Was this review helpful? Yes - No - Flag as inappropriate

AMEN! I just placed my order.

Kids...

via 9GAG

Really Pissed Off Cat

We're Saved!

For most of my life, I have been obsessed with planning for a zombie apocalypse. On a pretty regular basis the thought, "Fuk. What would I do if zombies attacked right now?" passes through my mind and I spend a glorious moment fantasizing about how I would retaliate against the undead and band together with a ragtag group of survivors.

Luckily I, and the rest of West Hollywood, can relax because there is a frickin ZOMBIE EMERGENCY RECOVERY DEPARTMENT planning for such an apocalypse!

I spotted this lovely lady pimping her Z.E.R.D. jacket this morning (what a great acronym I just made up) so we can all take a deep breathe and go grab a cocktail at The Abbey.

Oh Crap.

via geekologie

HAHAH THIS IS AMAZING!

This is exactly like something I would do and I love this girl for doing so. Ultimate Facebook revenge.

Click the image to enlarge and make sure to READ THE ENTIRE THING! Soooo good.

via 9GAG

Inner Beauty?

Heidi Montag and her ridiculous post-plastic surgery interviews are enough to make me want to get my eyes and ears pierced shut. How stupid can one person actually be? Also, how stupid can one person think WE, the general public, are?!

Sorry Heidles, I'm not buying into your crap. I am however, buying into Fake Heidi's crap who says it like it is:

"Beauty lies within, that's my whole message. My other message is that I have an album I hope people buy. Its called Superficial, it's all about inner beauty and loving yourself."