Last Night's Double Fail. Ouch

Last night I went out with all of my boys and have an amazing time. The main destination was Cherry Pop (always the best place to dance on Saturday) at Ultra Suede and as we were crossing Santa Monica Blvd and San Vicente Blvd, my friend Kellen accidentally tripped me. We were running across the intersection because our other friends were way ahead of us and didn't want to get banished behind a red light. So I go down like a $10 whore, face first in the middle of the Times Square of West Hollywood. There I am laying on my stomach, looking like a complete asshole with traffic coming at me. I wanted to just get run over by a truck and be done with it all together. We weren't even drunk yet, but I'm sure everyone thought I was wasted because, who the fu*k falls face first in the middle of an intersection?! My wrists and knees are jacked up.

Easily the BIGGEST digger of my life, including any and all diggers I may have taken while learning to walk as an infant. Fail #1.

Once I hobbled to Cherry Pop, trying not to cry, I saw that my favorite female gogo dancer was working. I love her and always go give her a dollar and she works me out and we put on a hot little show. So I went up and gave her a dollar and we were dancing as she was up on the box. She took my head and put it right down in her vagina as we gyrated and put on a Britney worthy performance. Then as I pulled my head back to do a more normal routine, one where my head was not inside a vagina, she accidentally poked me in the eye and my contact flew right out and hopefully into somebody's cocktail. She was so apologetic and I said it was fine and that I wasn't going to sue. At that point I was at about a 2.0 BAC, so my vision was starting to go to begin with. Instead of closing my blind eye, I covered it with my one hand that wasn't broken because that seemed like the next logical step. Fail #2.

"FUUUU****K!"

I was just putting vodka in my freezer (obviously), but didn't close the freezer all they way. I bent down to get something from the bottom part of the refrigerator and stood up and gashed my skull on the still ajar freezer door. I instantly screamed, "FUUUU****K!". I then instantly realized that the straights are having pool party right outside my kitchen window and I am sure everyone not only heard but perhaps even saw me get scalped by my freezer. FML