YES!

Sound Advice

Liar, Liar

Pants On Fire. We can see that small penis. Oopsies!

via gravy holocaust 

EVERYTHING!

Girl Down

We had a nippley winter in southern California this past season. So cold in fact, that my alcoholic roommate passed out Indian style, with his pussy facing the heater after eating a pizza. Burrr

My Refrigerator

There Is A New Announcement

You're basic.

If I were a parent (and thank THE LORD I am not), I would never allow my pre-teens to use a webcam and put videos of themselves on YouTube. Because shit like this happens. Hilarious yes, but his poor father must be dying inside.

I'm only 28 years young, but when I was growing up, webcams did not exist - and thank God, because who knows what I would have done. I remember being about 14 and at a sleepover, and we put our dicks inside the scanner and scanned them.

Power Bottom Here For Networking, Shopping and Celeb Dish

Happy Easter

Debbie Downer, I love her. 

Black Liquid Stool

I was Googling "black liquid dye" to dye a pair of pants (lol), but before I could type in the word "dye," look what results automatically came up: 

Remember

My Kind of Diet

I was at an after-party last night and the girls whose house it was had this dry erase board in their kitchen, outlining their Vegas Diet 2012 plan. This is one diet that I can get down with.

Good Advice

Yes

Good Thinking

RT @SleeperCynic: I forgot to bring my makeup to work yesterday, so I just told everyone my mom died. People were so sweet.

Ladies and Gentlemen... Pej.

Pej is a lady of the night that I see out every time I go out to the clubs, and every time he comes up to me and asks, "Matthew Robert! Social Intercourse! When am I gonna be on your bleg?" Well here you go, Pej. You asked for it.

98% of Pej's Facebook pictures feature him, head tilted to the left, chin up, with duckface. The other 2% of pictures feature him in his underwear. Trust me, the above collage took all of four minutes -- the abundance of these head-tilted-duckface pics are all over his Faceplace.

Pej, I don't know why you only post pics of you in this one pose. You have a great right AND left side of your head -- SHOW US! Otherwise you're just going to look like an asshole who takes the exact same picture over and over.

I hope you enjoy this post, Pej, because I sure don't. (haha jk boo!)

How Depressing

Hey socialites: check out this uber depressing e-mail I just received from one of my "friends." We don't really see each other that much anymore because he apparently has a lot going for him (see below) and quite frankly, that's ok with me.

"hi matt, hope uve been good.
i recently lost the will to do anything, kinda got stuck in a routine seeing (my boyfriend) and going home after work, cooking, playing the piano and going to bed. dunno... its hard to break that routine for me now."

If I ever say something like this, I give you all permission to take turns killing me. Thank you.

A Ladies Guide to Gentlemen Chats

A few days ago, I posted an ANGRY, ANGRY e-mail one of my friends received on a gentlemen chat. Today, bestie Brandon Rolph and I bring you a dramatic reading of that e-mail along with a very special surprise appearance from Miley Cyrus!

J/O On Rails

This Craigslist M4M ad really caught my attention because I:

1) Love to j/o and luckily, I fall into this guy's wide age range of 25-70 (Thank God!)

2) Really enjoy model trains, but what I love even MORE would be stomping around on them like a monster after I get off on them

3) And I LOVE imitation crab meat and would really help myself to a shit load

See you soon, handsome.

I don't wanna see that!

Put On A Lot Of Makeup

It has to last you all day, you know. You want to get a husband, don't you?

Check out this best of compilation of clips from Donna Mills' condescending "How-To" masterpiece "The Eyes Have It." You want to look pretty, don't you?